Although rejection was not what I had hoped for, I’ve found comfort knowing that the Lord knew. He knew so well. He filled that afternoon with simple pleasures and Grace and gave me something I will treasure for the rest of my life – an invitation to withdraw.
On the day of the final interview, I carefully chose my outfit – something cute, but comfortable. I straightened my hair, laced up my boots, and slowly – to avoid smudging – put on a layer of nude lipstick. I nearly ran to the Global Center; I was so excited. I walked in, slightly out of breath, and took my place at the head of a conference table, surrounded by twenty Carolina alumni and former recipients of the fellowship. That’s right, TWENTY accomplished adults. I was so nervous.
From the head of the table I shared who I was, what I was passionate about, and how my summer plans were going to make a lasting impact at Carolina. (Specifically, I shared a proposal for a summer internship with Patagon Journal, an environmentally minded magazine that aims to preserve one of the world’s wildest places – Patagonia. For the internship, I would be traveling to Puerto Varas, Chile – where the magazine is headquartered – for eight weeks.) Lastly, I asked for their partnership. My proposal was followed by in-depth questions, a few tears, and a lot of vulnerability on my end, as I held nothing back, assured that authenticity would win. (And it did – just not in the way I thought it would.)
I left the conference room completely unsure of what the rest of the day would hold – both recipients and rejects alike were to be contacted by the afternoon.
I spent the waiting period at a coffee shop with a friend. We anxiously anticipated a call. It didn’t come. For two hours, we just sat and waited. Finally, it came.
“Hello, is this Mary Katherine? We wanted to thank you for your interest in the fellowship, but unfortunately…”
Oh, goodness, not again. I really thought I had this one. I had received so much affirmation for my proposal’s uniqueness and I believed I had communicated well. But yet, another no.
I’ve received a lot of no’s in my life – the past few years especially, studying at Carolina. I like to joke that the only yes Carolina has given me is admission. After that initial acceptance, I have applied and been cast aside many times…a global gap year, a position as residential advisor, multiple internships, scholarships, and most recently, this very generous grant for the summer.
I’m the person that discovers a dream and immediately moves there in my mind, long before I have any evidence of it becoming reality. My passionate dreaming paired with my many rejections has worn out my heart. I’m starting to realize why we often fake indifference – to protect ourselves.
Because excitement is vulnerable; to let yourself hopefully anticipate something that isn’t guaranteed is unsafe.
Though excitement may be risky, the alternative – disconnection – is detrimental. For with the former, we have the arms of the Father and community to fall back into. But with the later, we are unknown and alone. (At least it feels so). How much better to be authentic – to hope and dream and invite people in when dreams take root and also when they seemingly wither.
Although rejection from the grant was not what I had hoped for, I’ve found comfort knowing that the Lord knew. He knew so well. He filled that afternoon with simple pleasures and Grace and gave me something I will treasure for the rest of my life – an invitation to withdraw.
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If there was ever a time someone deserved recognition, it was Jesus at the Pool of Bethesda. John chapter five recounts the healing of terribly ill man at the Pool of Bethesda, where the blind, lame and paralyzed would go to cleanse themselves in the healing water. There, Jesus told a man who had been ill thirty-eight years to, “rise, take up [his] bed and walk” (verse 8). After this healing, the Pharisees scolded the man for carrying his bed on the Sabbath. To this the man replied that the One who had healed him instructed him to do so. Frustrated, the Pharisees asked who this man with healing powers was.
"But the one who was healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had withdrawn, a multitude being in that place” (verse 13).
His humility moves me. (Had I been there and made a terminally ill man well, I would have stuck around and offered autographs.)
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It’s no wonder then, that at first I didn’t accept this invitation to withdraw. I wanted the spotlight. I wanted the big fancy grant and the attention it would bring. I wanted to not worry about finances and I wanted significance.
The world would tell me that these desires are good – that we are what we do and what we have done – but, my Love tells me that unless I am first seeking Him, then they are weaknesses.
Hallelujah – He knows our weaknesses and meets us in those very places. I don’t think the Lord withheld the grant because I struggle with desiring self-made significance, but I do believe that by not receiving it, I was given an ordained opportunity to taste the dissatisfaction of finding self-worth in self.
"He is everything, and as we are joined to Him, the poverty of our personal identity is lost in the fullness of His eternal greatness" (Secrets of the Secret Place, 47)
Through my disappointment and shame, Jesus encouraged me to lift my gaze back – toward His faithful provision and up – to meet His own. He called me to creatively view my circumstance and dared me to find beauty in pain.
No keeps us humble, makes us relatable, invites us to celebrate with others, and to find our identity and worth in our adoption into the family of God. When we accept the invitation to withdraw from the world into a place of surrender and meekness, not only rejections, but delays and thwarted plans as well, become gifts, because with them come an invitation and a promise.
An invitation to identify with Christ & to see circumstances creatively
and the promise of His presence, His sufficiency, His glory & our good.
To me, these far outweigh the momentary pleasure of attention, recognition, and self-made significance.
